Mill Drive Weekly News

I have always been conscious of my weight and how I easily gain weight, and how my arms, thighs and butt (ATB and in that order!) never seem to keep to themselves. Nowadays, after having undergone 3 ceasars, it is not only my ATB I’m getting concerned about.  Nowadays, and rightfully so, my BELLY seem to be in the way.  That’s right, the big B!  I don’t know if it is genetic or I’m just one of those women pre-dispositioned to have a beer gut, but one things is for sure, my belly is making me extra self-conscious. We are talking bulging belly here.  We are talking about a belly that extends as if it has a mind of its own.  I know I can always use Lactose Intolerance as an excuse, but of course, I also know what foods not to eat to actually AVOID bloating. Duh!

Now, back to bloating….when my tummy bloats, it becomes a belly, somewhat similar to a pregnant woman of 4 months.  I don’t know about other women out there, but when it comes to my pregnancies, there was always a slim chance that I would stay in the weight gain limit.  Of course, when you are pregnant, YOU ARE PREGNANT!  You are not just FAT!  I am now, however, FAT!  (….then my husband walks in the room with that certain whiff that you just know what he had for dinner J…that was distracting!)  Well, going back… I mentioned the big B and the big F.  Two things that seem to be haunting me at the moment.

Just the other day, I actually listed down “tummy tuck” as one of the things I was going to google and that I exactly did.  Now, did you know that a tummytuck would set you back by a whopping 10 grand ?!!!  Sounds big?  Definitely, but you should see what it can actually do to all those drooping belly skin that always seem to make it presence felt.  And just to illustrate how my sagging skin has affected me and how it still bothers me, I want you to imagine this…. I can never sit down without tying to cover my belly bulge.  I am so self conscious that even sitting down has become an art.  I also have to sit in a certain way just so I don’t feel the bulge too much.  And by some stroke of bad luck I get a tub chair for a seat, then you can bet that my belly bulge will make a grand entrance.

I am not vain or anything.  You might say that maybe I am just too into myself, but wouldn’t you be, when all you can think of doing is tucking in your tummy to your undies.  I can’t even wear a shirt properly because the big B might suddenly peep out.  But who can blame me? I think that there are more self conscious people than “healthy-minded” people who actually pay attention to more important stuff rather than care about their weight, much more, write about their weight!

But I guess I would have to see the silver lining….at least when I go around asking for shirt sizes, I have enough empathy to actually write M (for medium) for someone who I know is a definite L (LARGE!). Of course the problem would be in the actual fitting.

I guess as you age you get MORE self-conscious when it is already the perfect time to re-discover the NEW, BULGING at the BELLY YOU!  But do you know what the sad, frustrating part is?  I actually sound and look crazy each time I nod my head in agreement to a woman saying that she needs to go on a diet since she feels she has gained weight.  They suddenly look at me in a disbelieving way, as if to tell me that I couldn’t be tiny-er!  Well, I can’t help my height, but I sure know my weight and it ain’t 48 kilos!!!

I guess what I really need is a tummy tuck!  I don’t care so much about having nose, face and other-parts-of-the-body lifts, since my stand is, if it ain’t there, it just ain’t there!  The thing with what they medically term as abdominoplasty, if it ain’t there, it literally isn’t!  You can finally say goodbye to long shirts and loose blouses just to hide the loose, dangly skin.  I will actually be able to wear nice bathing suits again, without being too self-conscious. Lastly, I’ll feel more normal since I know what is underneath my shirt is my real abdomen and not just some layers of loose skin, dangling like you don’t really have control of it.

Its actually not too bad with

I was at a party last night and beside me was a 70 year old man boasting about how quick his wit was.  He continued on about how witty things just come out of his mouth before he actually thinks about it….yadda, yadda, yadda, but what made an impact to me was when he made reference to how good is memory was.  For a 70-year old man, he could still remember things from the past clearly and with vivid detail.

I just thought to myself….here I am, almost at the end of my 34^th year on earth and I already struggle with remembering events that happened in the last hour!  The reason I know is that I always get confused whether something just happened earlier or was it the day before?  Hmmmm….

It actually scares me since at this early stage, I have already accepted that I will lose more of my past as the days, weeks and especially years pass.  I know I will suffer from Alzheimers and I am experiencing the signs.

How do I know?  I get flashes of events happening in the past, something I have never remembered before, but something that I know has happened.  I only remember some details probably that has made an impact but nothing specific like when it happened, how old I was or what happened afterwards.  I just know it happened.

This leads me to think that time is precious.  Whatever I can still remember now, I will treasure and write about so my kids can have something of me when I have already lost my ability to remember.

It seems that as you get older, you get more sentimental and in my case, more sick.

When I could barely even open my eyes because of eyeritis, I just realised how much I took my eyes for granted.  I would sit in front of the computer all day and not rest my eyes and as soon as I get home, instead of me resting my eyes, I max out the capacity of my contact lenses until it led to the bad state it is in now.  Suddenly, my eyes and seeing clearly became very important to me. 

Looking back, this thing that hit my eye really affected me in a great way.

When I pinched a nerve in my lower back and could barely move, I still managed to go shopping even with the pain.  I just took pain killers.  When I could barely stand up because the physio sessions just weren’t enough to make it better, I was still forcing my way to work and sitting at my desk for long hours, though I was strongly advised not to.

When I had the pain in my eye and could barely function, taking 2 days off from work made so much sense.  Hours in the eye specialist room didn’t really matter much as long as I had my eyesight back. 

Suddenly, my life was in focus…. focused on getting better…focused on taking care of things that mattered.  Everything else faded.

And so, I strongly resolve to grab hold of my life, give more importance to things that actually matter and relieve myself of all stresses that not only cause all these debilitating conditions, but actually put everything on hold.

Maybe, the bigger picture is it is telling me something….. that I need to make some adjustments….that I am actually not well….. 

I now know that meds will not cure everything especially if it is something psychological or emotional effecting it.  I believe this is harder to solve since no amount of meds will make it go away.  It takes some drastic measures, some form of deliberance that would actually make the symptoms go away.

I know what is causing it, the question is: how far do I want to take it? Is it all worth it?  I need a paradigm shift I guess.  The sooner, the better.

Man oh man, where do I start!

Can I just say that A LOT major things have been happening… and its scaring me to pieces!

Last Friday, my right eye just went red, teary and overly sensitive to any form of light.  Worst part was THE PAIN!  Sadly, THERE ARE NO DOCTORS AVAILABLE ON A FRIDAY!!!

I got seen by the GP on a Monday and the initial diagnosis was Episcleritis, which can be easily treated.  I was immediately referred to an eye specialist the same day and so I was given two drops and that was it!  I was advised to take at least 2 days off, but what do I do?  I still go to work.  I tried to pacify my eyes by wearing sunnies while I was typing away.

By Thursday, I was back at the doctors. Diagnosis has been changed to a more challenging EYERITIS, which is really just arthritis of the eyes.  I take another 2 days off, go back for another consult early Saturday and things were starting to get better.

Until Monday!!!

By Tuesday, my left eye had the exact same symptoms of eyeritis and so, I was back at the eye specialist.  Worst thing is,  it is uncommon for both eyes to have it.

Next step…to see an immunologist.  Well, good luck with that since there is only one in Sydney and I would have to stake out to get a consult.  How lucky is that?????!

And so, just to recap things in my head, as they happened…

1. I started with a colonoscopy last June, where 2 polyps were found,  I had to treat some lesions on my bum and had to take meds for my constipation…

2.  I pinch a nerve in my lower back and have been going to a physio/ chiro to feel better and of course, no gym going for at least 3 months…

3.  My ears have started to ring (tinnitus) and I’ve been trying so hard not to get another ear infection…go figure….

4. I get Eyeritis
What a great end of 2008 bash!  Can’t wait for 2009!!!

Aside from wishing for the obvious, there is one wish that I truly hope to get this Christmas, and that is CONQUERING THE IMPOSSIBLE…. to acquire the ability and the capacity to SAVE!  To actually SAVE Money for once!  To make myself proud and to finally stick to a certain GOAL!

And so, this is my plan… I will set a goal…a certain amount each month that I need to save.  For me, this challenge upon myself is a bit daunting considering that my impulses tend to produce the opposite especially if my brain is tugging the other way.  Put simple, the more I resolve to save, the more I spend!

The simpler challenge of course, is find out for how long I can go for without spending.  On-line transactions WILL count, as will credit card transactions. Uh, duh!

Alright, I actually set the date over the last weekend and in my head, saving mode started on the 18th of October.  So far, I have spent everyday since I started!  But this is not doomed to fail yet.  I have the coming days for the rest of my life to learn this new discipline.  I just need to actually NOT SPEND for a day and I’m set.

Alright, tomorrow is not counted since I need to buy some groceries for my daughter’s birthday on Saturday.  I’ll definitely start on Friday and then miss again on Saturday since I need to pay for the party! Duh!

Considering all these, I better start saving on the 1st of November.  Clean slate, clean start!  But hey, when do I do my Christmas shopping????

Today had to be one of the scariest days of my life.

I had an 8:45am appointment  with my Eye Specialist. It has been almost a week since I  have been diagnosed with Episcleritis.  Episcleritis is an infection of the eye, nothing contagious…but its just red and the surrounding nerves around the iris are pretty much inflammed..  As a result, my right eye is overly sensitive to light and it feels really painful each time the iris changes shape. 

I started to notice it late afternoon last Friday, after I came home from work and decided to take off my contacts.  I had a movie date with hubby and I decided to give my eyes a break.  What I didn’t know was that I would be in so much discomfort during the whole Daniel Craig- Bond movie.  Oh what a shame since I really like D. Craig!

I wake up the next day to a teary Saturday, my right eye still so red from the previous night’s strain, but what was worse was the pain was stronger.   I start to panic.  I run to our medical practitioner, only to be told that I won’t be seen ‘ti about noon…aan I’m in pain here people……  so, I try the pharmacist, thinking maybe there would be some relief there, but I was immediately referred to the optometrist.  I was immediately checked and given a diagnosis….Episcleritis, BUT it was important that I see an eye specialist.  Of course, specialist offices are only open during the week and so, my suffering continued until  of course the Nurofen took over.

Saturday and then Sunday passed rather blurry-ly and so, as soon as Monday came, I immediately requested to be dropped off at the doctors.  Seeing me was again a bit of a challenge since her sched was full and since I kept stressing that I WAS indeed in pain I was slotted in.  Oh well, I come back around 11am, and as soon as my doc saw my eyes, she immediately rang the closest and most accommodating eye specialist in the area.  My case was urgent.

I drive to the eye specialist, under the influence of powerful pain killers, and drops were immediately placed in both eyes for testing and for a whole quarter of an hour, I couldn’t see clearly. For a while back there, I knew how it was to lose your sense of sight. 

As soon as the specialist checked my eyes, she just said the same thing….episcleritis.  She then gave me two steroid drops to help with the inflammation and the possible infection of the eye.  I was then asked to return after 3 days.

Three days had passed.  I wake up with red-der than ever eyes, with the same sensitivity to light and glare, and sadly, I was in pain again.  I drive teary eyed to the eye specialist place and now I was really scared.  My eye was stingy, tears were constantly flowing, and it was hurting because of the sun.  It was the most terrible feeling.

I reach the place safely, I parked the car, got the in the centre and I waited.

When the doctor saw me, more drops were put in, and again, my vision was so hazy, I couldn’t even leaf through a favourite magazine.  I am checked again, but this time I get a different diagnosis….“EYERITIS”.  It means that what I have is more painful and would get more irritatingly painful.  The infection apparently was behind the eye and not in front, which of course is much worse and the sad part was she didn’t know yet what caused it. Could be an HIV virus, could be TB, could be an abnormal gene, could be anything!  The most shocking bit was the fact that it would take 6-8 weeks before it gets completely  healed!

I was immediately sent to have some blood tests done and I also had to have an x-ray of my chest and my spine.  Apparently, I would also be experiencing back pains and headaches because of this infection, which wasn’t all new since I am being treated for back pains!!!  

And so, I start to leave the rooms to go to that nearby place where I would have my bloods and x-rays done.  Leaving the practice was the easy part.  Getting to where I was supposed to be headed was the big challenge.

The walking part was easy, the seeing part was something of a juggle.  My eyes were still blurry from the drops, tears still kept flowing out of my right eye, and the best part, the sun was out and I could barely open my right eye. AND, I had to walk to the testing centre since there were road works being done!!!  There was no parking anywhere and so….

I slowly trek towards the direction I was supposed to go when I realised that I couldn’t even make out the signs of the buildings.  My vision was so hazy and there was no way my eyes were opening because of the light outside.  I stopped walking, found a shady spot in the middle of the road and I tried to ring my hubby.  He didn’t answer.  More tears were flowing this time when I realised that it was because I was already crying.

I was in the middle of the road, half blind and I didn’t know where or when I would find the testing centre.  I took a right turn and entered the nearest door I could find so I can rest my eyes and ask for directions.  Luckily, I was near.  Just a few metres away.  It was then that I started to feel better.  The fear started to ebb. I thought, just let me reach the centre and I’ll go from there.

I did reach the centre, I survived the needle, I walked across to another testing centre to have my x-rays done, waited for the results for two hours and then I just braved walking back.

I did get back, and by this time, I already felt much better. I guess Nurofen really does work!!!

What I didn’t know was on top of the eye infection, I also had slight scoliosis.  Did I mention that I’m also still being treated for my recent colonoscopy?  And what about my lower back pains?  In case the god of sickness completely forgot,  I am still not over the last set of inflictions.

In the meantime, I am to stay home, put my hourly drops and email as needed :)  And so, I’m back to blogging…hopefully, for the next few days or so…

Have you ever known that feeling right before self emancipation?  That feeling where you are in some sort of trance, just barely hanging on to the present, and yet knowing full well that in a few minutes, a life altering decision would be made?

I was in this exact same state, where my mind and my spirit were one, and my mind was listening to what the message was and my spirit was crying out, knowing full well that that was THE message that it wanted me to hear.   The funny thing about your mind and spirit merging is that your body manifests itself through emotions and suddenly find yourself racked with emotions that you can seem to control (as if knowing that you are about to cry and your brain is trying real hard to stop yourself and do a bit of rationalization, but you still start to cry and end up crying anyway and you can’t seem to stop.  Tears stream down from your eyes and you feel some sort of acceptance, some sort of heaving, and you just know that at the moment, when the words hit home, that you are finally free…

Last Sunday, I was privileged enough to BE in the presence of greatness.  This man whom I barely knew and have never heard of spoke with such clarity as if to say: my message this morning is for you and only you…so listen hard and listen well.

He spoke of words that I have held on since I was a child.  His words were like an echoing, but more like echoes that were forgotten…

It was then that I realised how I’ve changed over the years….how I short-changed myself often…how I justified demeaning areas of my life, until I believed it to be true…

But his words brought me back to life.  It gave some sense of awakening and it not only broke mind barriers, it has given life back to my spirit.  I didn’t realize how silenced my spirit was until that morning, where I actually felt it crying out.  My spirit knew what it wanted and I just listened and felt it happen.

It is true…what you feed your mind will eventually become what you believe to be true and you start living it, slowly compromising one truth at a time, until everything a reflection of your own reality and that reflection suddenly appears clearer than real truths.

But then I have always believed in this: The world connives so that you can eventually accomplish what you were brought here to accomplish. 

And so, I start my journey again, this time with more bravado and peace from within…. And this time believing that I have God within me, releasing me from self-doubt and fears, and leading me to places that are unbound, where anything is possible…

My mum bought my kids their first pet sometime November last year.  She bought them 3 goldfishes which we promptly named based on my kids’ names and rightly so. Now, we thought that having fishes for a pet would be a breeze.  At first, it seemed like it was but soon after, we did have to clean the tank!  No, cleaning the tank was just the first step.  It seemed that each time we went to the pet store, we would end up buying more “pet” stuff.

One, there was the fish’es special light that would prevent their scales from fading (cause then they can’t be called goldfish anymore!). Then, we had to buy them fish plants so they won’t be constipated ( I didn’t realise that fish had to have salad too!). Then, when the water started getting murkier just days after washing the tank, off we went to the pet store again and ended up buying another fish chemical called the “Water Ager” which is supposed to neutralise all the chlorine in the water and other harmful chemicals.  After that, (and this was the biggest blow of them all), we started to have really bad algae in the tank.  And do you know what causes the algae?….Algea is caused by prolonged use of fish light, which was supposed to prevent the fish from fading in the first place!  And so, we end up buying another chemical to solve the algae problem.

Now, the algae problem is the hardest hurdle so far.  We have gone as far as changing the pebbles altogether, changing the fish plant every week and cleaning the tank more often than usual.  But do you know what the sad part is?  THE FISH STILL GOT SICK!!!!  After everything we have bought, after everything we have changed, after all the cleaning we have done, our 3 goldfishes are now officially sick!

They have what is called the ICH. (I don’t really remember what the scientific name is but what I know is that the fish are covered in mould-like cloud).  And do you know what I do next?  Of course, I go to the pet store and try to find a cure.  My encounter of course was not very productive since the store attendant kept pushing me to buy another chemical that is supposed to cure white spots. I keep saying that they don’t have white spots.  It does not look anything like spots.  It looks mouldy and it definitely does not look like spots.  At the end of it all, she just advised me to clean the tank, which we promptly did.

The amazing thing was, I didn’t think that I would get worried over these fishes. I didn’t think that I would actually start to panic after seeing them immobile and just staying in one spot and for the first time, realise that they did have that mouldy blanket on their scales.  The thing is, they may just be fishes, but still, I don’t want them to die. 

Googling a cure didn’t prove to be that easy. In an emergency, you don’t really have time to purchase a book on how to keep your fish alive only to get 10 more books for free.

And so, tomorrow, we will attend to the sick fishes again and see….will they live to see the light of day? 

I was never a planner…I have never planned for things to happen in my life….I have never dreamed big…and most definitely, have not seen myself five years down the line.  And so, each time I am challenged to take the next big step, I often just take on the challenge, do what has to be done, and just hope that things just fall into place.

Just recently, I have decided to go back to full-time work.  With three kids, no help and a huge five-year hiatus, you would easily think that I was crazy.  Most of my friends thought so, my family thought, even I thought I was nuts!!!  But, when a good opportunity comes along, I was never one to pass it up.

And so, I take on the challenge….

I knew that it was going to be such a big step… such a huge challenge to face and that a lot of things will change and I would have to finally give up my freedom.  But I guess, one never really sees the answer without immersing oneself and actually getting ones hands dirty.

And so, I get dirty by the 10^th.

With such a big change, comes the challenging bit… how to make sure that everything is not so shaken that it might break.  My kids for one… I had to arrange for my boy’s childcare, my daughter’s afterschool care and finally, my husband’s daycare J.

I can confidently say that I have indeed exhausted all my resources and am nearing the most desired results.  Saying that, I am just hopeful that everything works out.

Along with the five year hiatus comes the lack of ammunition of course.  And therefore, some re-stocking needs to be done.  Now, this is where I say that ebay is definitely a dear, dear friend.  It causes headaches (and heartaches), but in the end, it will deliver the goods!  And what goods!!!!

I am of course far from having everything organised.  There are still bits and pieces here and there that I still need to iron out, but I remain faithful…I remain faithful because that is really the only way I could remain…

Things happen for a reason and I believe that there is a reason for this big change.  I didn’t look for it… I didn’t even want it… it was like served to me in a very big platter.  But then again, life is a journey. Too much predictability never made an exciting story.

And, here goes Chapter 1….

You know how you bite into an apple and then suddenly, you have a knowing that you will never eat an apple that is of less calibre?  Suddenly, all apples should be like this sweet tasting, mouth-watering, crunchy-every-bite kind of apple.  With an apple of such character, you just know that you will never stop eating apples, even if it meant irritable bowel syndrome or even the dreaded constipated movement.  All you will be able to think about is THAT apple that redeemed all apples….THAT apple which gave a whole new meaning to munching…. THAT apple which probably changed your life!

I was at a huge gathering last Sunday, and one of the key speakers started talking about steaks.  Steaks as in prime cuts, medium rare ones, that sort of thing.  Well, according to the speaker, there is a big difference to ordering a medium rare steak and ordering it well done.  The difference of course, mainly lies on the fact that if a customer orders a medium rare steak, the chef would most likely use a prime cut AND if a customer orders his steak well done, he would get the cheap, tough cuts.  His words were: why waste a good steak when you’re just going to burn it?

And so, to cut the long story short, after this long talk about prime steaks and how a medium rare one would actually just MELT in your mouth, my friends and I started craving for steaks of course. (Actually, they started craving…. I don’t really care much for steak but I didn’t have any choice but to go along…)

We were at the resto and I was juggling between a prawn or salmon salad!  Of course, they didn’t want to have any of it and I then ended up ordering (against my better judgment) a medium rare steak with prawn sauce with a salad on the side.  What used to be my main course was pushed aside in the meantime to make way for this unknown meat that would probably bleed more after I slice it up. Ewww!

Soon, the orders started to come in….  I start with a prawn and then another until I couldn’t delay with the cutting of the steak any further.  I put it into my mouth, blood drippings and all and WALLAH!!!  In came a piece of meat that didn’t require much effort from the slicing to the munching. The first bite held such promise that I had to make sure… I tried another bite and again, there came out such sheer delight in masticating what was left of the prime cut of steak.  For someone who does not really enjoy steaks, have never been convinced by any resto to try it medium rare until today, this experience was truly life altering.  So now you know what to order next…

Today, I got offered a Product Manager role in one of the pharma supplier companies here. As some of you might know, I am lucky enough to be able to work from home and have enjoyed doing so for the past six months.  Three weeks ago however, I felt the need to seek better opportunities. Response was quick and I was lucky to get considered for the job.

I have been out of circulation for the longest time and can I just say, I was not really expecting that I would get the job.  But I did, and so a pat on the back for me.  I know it will be life altering again but I can’t wait to get into my first biteJ

What a great, great day for Australian women as the first female Governor- General Quentin Bryce was put in office today. And how great was her message: that all Australian girls and Australian women CAN achieve anything. How sad though that it is only during times that women come close to being equal to men. I have often wondered and pondered on how our society still remains greatly patriarchal. Though society has come a long, long way, women now have the opportunity to attend universities amongst men, and put in positions of power, but never did women dominate. Here in Australia, men would most probably occupy the higher positions in the corporate ladder with one or two female counterparts. Sadly, even I myself would rather work for a man (even a gay man) or for a woman who thinks like a man. You might say that maybe I haven’t worked with a good woman boss yet. On the contrary, I have worked with 3 great women in my 10 year career and they have managed to give me a bit of HOPE…that there can really be women who think like men, that women can also achieve great things….especially if they put their minds into it. But who could blame society? Even God, who created men and women as equals, blessed man with greater physical strength. Rarely do we read about female heroes in history. There was Xena and Wonderwoman of course! But did you ever ask why there is no counterpart to Superman? No Superwoman? What it because it just didn’t sound right? I believe that society’s measure of a woman’s strength is based on how much she can endure especially during times of adversity, and not how much she can achieve. A woman can be on top of the corporate ladder but when her marriage fails, she would still be seen as a failure. And no matter how much sense you make, a woman will always be judged, first, on her appearance and how big her bust line is. Nevertheless, I still believe that society is evolving. Not only are women’s breasts the only thing being enlarged nowadays (if you have noticed your spam mail), even men who are shortly endowed are given the chance to “enrich” themselves. Thank god for that! But until when will women JUST endure? But then again, men really can’t outlive women, physically I mean. Now, I’m wondering why women are the weaker sex???